Last night I stayed awake. All through the night. I tossed and turned from side to side, tried to read a book, maybe sit up till I was tired but nothing worked. I felt a sort of silent despair loaming over me, surrounding me as one would in an embrace. I had been feeling this way a while but every time, I’d push it aside and focus on something else as a show of strength but not last night. My spirit so unsettled and restless, sadness filling my heart, I started to think.
That was a bad idea.
I thought about all the failures in my life and my, are they many. Long story cut short …I start to cry.
I felt stupid sitting there in the dark, tired, head aching from thinking too much. I was angry at myself mostly and I ask God aloud, WHY?
Why do I feel this way? why am I so stuck? It says in your word that you knew us even before we were born. The hairs on our head you have counted and numbered. My life, you know what your will in my life is then why let me make all these wrong choices I asked?
I sat quietly for a time, waiting for a response? Maybe. But there was only silence. God! I said, it would have been nice if I could actually talk with you face to face. Immediately I hear how stupid that sounds. I probably won’t be able to look in God’s face for his wondrous glory and blinding purity.
So, I started talking…by myself. Believing he is actually there with me. I talk earnestly and sincerely about everything, every single thing better than you would to a close dear friend and as I start talking it feels really dumb but I keep on and sometimes my chest would be tight from stifling tears but I go on. I felt so sad but there at the foot of my bed, sitting on the floor I eventually fell asleep. Naturally when I woke up, my neck was sore and moving it was painful but that sadness, that despair was gone. Just as I awoke, I felt a love that warmed my heart and a strong resolve to go on.
“From a place of love” I say to myself. In that low moment of my life God showed me love. People could say maybe the moment just passed and will come back but also, it is in difficult times like this that people break. In one moment of despair, a person could damn their soul. God sat with me through the night listening quietly, blessed me with sleep and in the morning, poured love into my heart and yes maybe I was only able to recognize it because I had been sad but His love is always present like his silence in the face of my questions.
So few pointers,
From a Place of Love
Last night I stayed awake. All through the night. I tossed and turned from side to side. Tried to read a book, maybe sit up till I was tired but nothing worked. I felt a sort of silent despair loaming over me, surrounding me as one would in an embrace. I had been feeling this way a while but every time, I’d push it aside and focus on something else as a show of strength but not last night. My spirit so unsettled and restless, sadness filling my heart, I started to think.
That was a bad idea.
I thought about all the failures in my life and my, are they many. Long story cut short …I start to cry.
I felt stupid sitting there in the dark, tired, head aching from thinking too much. I was angry at myself mostly and I ask God aloud, WHY?
Why do I feel this way? why am I so stuck? It says in your word that you knew us even before we were born. The hairs on our head you have counted and numbered. My life, you know what your will in my life is then why let me make all these wrong choices I ask?
I sit quietly for a time, waiting for a response? Maybe. But there is only silence. God! I said, it would have been nice if I could actually talk with you face to face. Immediately I hear how stupid that sounds. I probably won’t be able to look in God’s face for his wondrous glory and blinding purity.
So, I started talking…by myself. Believing he is actually there with me. I talk earnestly and sincerely about everything, every single thing better than you would to a close dear friend and as I start talking it feels really dumb but I keep on and sometimes my chest would be tight from stifling tears but I go on. I felt so sad but there at the foot of my bed, sitting on the floor I eventually fell asleep. Naturally when I wake, my neck sore and moving it is painful but that sadness, that despair is gone. Just as I wake I feel a love that warms my heart and a strong resolve to go on.
“From a place of love” I say to myself. In that low moment of my life God showed me love. People could say maybe the moment just passed and will come back but also, it is in difficult times like this that people break. In one moment of despair, a person could damn their soul. God sat with me through the night listening quietly, blessed me with sleep and in the morning, poured love into my heart and yes maybe I was only able to recognize it because i had been sad but His love is always present like his silence in the face of my questions.
So few pointers;
1. In every situation in life, pray, especially through your doubts.
I read this statement and thought to myself so if I am wondering between two dresses in the market I should pray. What do you think the answer is? Yes. Let him help you, let him be your friend in the silly and the big things. There might be a string of prayers we are used to. That’s great. There is power in the repetition but sometimes it is nice to not only say the words of a known prayer but to speak in your own words to God. Cultivate the habit of conversing with God so he may guide your decisions and shine a light on your path.
2. We are our brother’s keeper.
You, like everything in this world that has life are a part of him so we all our connected to ourselves and to GOD. God can use another person such as yourself to answer your prayers. We should be be open to his ways and in our acts of kindness and charity we too can touch the lives of others. (James 5:19&20)
3. God loves you.
Yes he does. He made you special. Your purpose is equally specific and he has given you all you need to fulfill it. It might not feel that way presently but that’s why we have faith. His love for you is immense. I mean, who ever gets tired of love right? God loves you incessantly and he will not let his children go hungry. God does not give big battles to small soldiers. Do you think your cross is too heavy? Who will carry it then? Only you can carry it because you have been given the ability to. Never mind he lets you go through trials and hardship. He does that from a place of love and the lord will give you back what you have lost (Joel 2: 25). For Christ says, onto whom much is given much is expected.
4. Be faithful to God and he will keep his promises to you.
It is hard, I know. Life can be really hard, full of temptations but every time you fall you can stand up again and keep going till you do not fall anymore. Our lord will be right there by your side so long as your intent is true. He is the Lord our God.
I hope you get to have more conversations with God.